Article by Dr. Ng Wai Sheng
Photo by CloudVisual on Unsplash
What do you do if the woman you love keep castrating you… with her cutting words, her disdainful look, and her dismissive response to your efforts?
But wait, before you condemn the woman, perhaps you need to hear how the man that she loves continue to torture her… by ignoring her when she cried for his attention, by leaving her alone when she needed him, by criticizing her of acting crazy… All these for the last 2 decades!
They love each other to death….That’s why they can’t leave each other… Yet they can’t live with each other, without making the other person a torturer or a murderer! Their love is not enough… They don’t know any other way to engage each other, apart from inflicting pain! No, they are not masochistic and sadistic… They are just two very aggressive lovers who have no one else except each other.
We wonder why two lovers can do such cruel things to each other? Even when the two see how their cruelty ruin their marriage and the mental health of their children… Still, they can’t stop themselves! We wonder why…
Perhaps all these are the absurdity of life. We like to think that we are rational people, but we are really not! We thought that what happened to other people or on TV dramas won’t happen to ourselves, but they do!
So, in real life, if you are actually caught up in a difficult, hurtful relationship, what are you supposed to do? As cliché as it may sound, can you first tell yourself “STOP!”??
They tell me it’s very hard to stop ourselves… Sure, but not impossible, correct? Someone has to stop and put down the weapon first… Why can’t it be you first?
Because…I’m afraid of getting hurt… I don’t want to get hurt again…. What if s/he hurts me again? Worse still, what if I come to hope and trust in the person again, and then s/he lets me down all over again?? So…No…I won’t get hurt again…I won’t be a fool again…
Ahhh… Maybe it’s all about being vulnerable! Without vulnerability, there won’t be true intimacy. Without vulnerability, there can only be war… And more bleeding, instead of healing… When two people can’t talk about their pain, they can’t talk about their love.
There is no shortcut in healing a wounded relationship. Both parties must want to listen to each other’s pain, before they can heal each other’s wound! Sometimes, the best that can occur is one partner chooses to be vulnerable, but without reciprocation from the other partner. Then, the one who chooses vulnerability frees oneself from the emotional entanglement… S/He can now choose to stay or leave the relationship, knowing well that s/he has done his/her best to save the relationship. In the end, we still have to respect the decision of the other party, whether they want to connect with us in vulnerability, or in defense or aggression! It will be their individual choice. But we have our own choice too! We can stay, or we can leave. More importantly, we are choosing to be responsible for our own happiness and wellbeing!
Disclaimer: All stories presented in this article are based on, or inspired by actual events. In certain cases, incidents, characters and timelines have been changed for privacy and confidentiality purpose. Certain characters may be composites or archetypes, and are not intended to depict or allude to actual persons or families. Any resemblance to actual incidents, persons, places or events is entirely coincidental.
