Article by Dr. Ng Wai Sheng
Image: Pixabay
It was a perfect Sunday… I had a very big meal earlier that made me very satisfied. And just before I went to bed, I thought I was going to end the day with a warm bowl of Campbell soup. As I was opening the can, I felt a sharp pain on my right pinky, and then I saw blood oozing out and dripping everywhere!
I was staying alone in an apartment, in a foreign city at the time. I had many peoples’ numbers on my phone. But for the life of me, I couldn’t think of who I could ask for help!
This person is likely busy, that person lives too far… Anyway, I wasn’t sure how deep the cut was… maybe the bleeding will stop soon? Maybe I’m making a big deal out of a small matter?
I was too afraid to let people know that I have a need and that I need their help. In my vulnerable state of mind, I imagine if I call someone I know for help, and even if they give me the most practical advice, but not come quickly, and hold me and comfort me, I would feel completely shattered inside and “abandoned” by the person. And that, would be more unbearable than the physical wound…
Eventually, I ended up in a nearby hospital emergency room and received 4 stitches on my poor little pinky.
Being independent and self-reliant is probably a “virtue” in my family-of-origin. When my mother injured her leg and became wheelchair bound, the first time she had to rely on me to support her physically to the toilet, she broke down in tears and apologized for becoming a burden to me! That broke my heart… This is a woman who singlehandedly took care of my father for 4 years, when he was dying of cancer. This is also a woman who suffered many losses in her life, yet she rarely shed tears in front of any of her kids. And now, there she was, apologizing to her daughter for not being independent enough. I could only imagine how painful it must be for her to reveal her neediness to her own children…
I suspect many of us hold a double standard on neediness. If our children or loved ones are acting needy towards us, we think that’s normal, maybe even quite endearing! Of course if it gets too much, we may think it’s annoying. But for the most part, we can tolerate quite well other people’s neediness. Yet, when it comes to ourselves, do we treat our own neediness with the same care and compassion?
Being needy goes against our natural instinct to be strong and in control. But at the same time, we are created to yearn for connection; and if we are not getting the connection that we hunger, we feel weak and we go crazy! We are all needy people. If God had really wanted us all to be independent and self-sufficient, He would have made us all amoebas, don’t you think?
Even as I’m writing this, I am humbled by the fact that I still can’t quite express my deep needs to people, at least not fully yet. But I’m working on it. I hope you are too.
