Written by: Dr. Ng Wai Sheng
Picture by: Edith & Maggie – Sunset @ Lamma Island, Hong Kong
Do you have a hard time saying goodbye to people, possessions, places or past experiences?
I know I do. With the arrival of Chinese New Year, I have to finally say goodbye to year 2016, and welcome 2017!
Separation anxiety?
When Growing Space was merely one year old, I often had a hard time leaving the place. I had this paranoid feeling like something bad might happen, eg. my lovely deco might fall off the wall, my fragile plants might die etc… so I had to check every corner before I could leave “my baby”. I have had a long suspicion that I probably suffer from some kind of “attachment disorders”!
Hence, last October, when I chose to leave behind Growing Space (in the hands of my two beloved associates), and flew to Hong Kong for a 12-week training in family therapy, it was a real test and “threat” to all my disordered attachment with everything that had meant something to me. And as it turned out, those 12 weeks taught me some of the most important lessons about life, therapy, family, and me.
Tending to Our Joy and Suffering
Number One lesson I learned… everything is about RELATIONSHIP! Just think about it, your greatest joy and suffering is always about you and at least one other person, isn’t it?
All emotional pain is essentially interpersonal pain. So is some physical pain that’s emotionally connected, thus is also interpersonally induced or related. As such, whoever who said “it’s all in your head!” is wrong! It’s NOT all in your head; it’s however, very much in our interpersonal relationships! And if we accept this notion, then we are essentially saying it’s not about you, it’s not about me, but it’s about US!! (i.e., how we “dance” together that created the pain…and let’s not forget, the JOY too!!)
In as much as we want to hold on to the joys for as long as possible, and get over the suffering as quickly as possible, the fact that we can do neither adds to our list of frustrations in life… Truth is, we really do need BOTH to live fully as human beings! On one hand, joy is life’s goodness to give us strength to endure the inevitable sufferings in relationships. On the other hand, sufferings are bitter medicines to help sharpen our sense of gratitude for the momentary joy and goodwill in relationships. Both joy and suffering are, in fact, complementary to each other.
If we can accept that both joy and suffering are essential, then perhaps we can begin to forgive ourselves for all the “should have”, “could have” and “ought to have”. In all human relationships, we are always giving and receiving, hurting and being hurt, loving and being loved, coming apart and coming together. Should we try to avoid suffering at all cost, we can end up killing natural joy by means of controlling too much. For one, hoarding or coveting more joy does not make one more joyful!
It’s going to be OKAY…
As I have learned in that 12 weeks, leaving Malaysia/entering Hong Kong and leaving Hong Kong/re-entering Malaysia were both equally painful and joyful experiences! I cannot have one without the other. Yet, the pain of saying goodbye actually speaks of the emotional connections formed with significant people who have touched my life one way or the other. The only way to not feel the pain of loss is to close off the heart and not allow myself to be touched or affected by others. The former, though painful, expands our capacity to love and live. The latter, on the other hand, distorts our humanity and diminishes life!
Hence, my new year’s gift to myself: to let go of my fears of saying goodbye… to embrace life to the fullest, in joy and in suffering!! For such is the wonderful gift of being alive!
As the movie “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” reminds us: Everything will be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, it’s not the end yet.
Have a prosperous Chicky Year! ☺
